IT IS FINISHED

I cannot move the mountains by my own strength

I will depend on God to move it for me.

I AM BATTLE WEARY

I don’t compete because I can’t

I don’t reject because I can’t

I don’t fight because I can’t win

And thus, I will not use my own strength

From now on, I will let the lord fight me battles for me

He who gives me will be rewarded

He who does not will be rewarded too

I am a man dispirited

The world has rejected me, so I reject and renounce it out of necessity.

My efforts of control seem moot, so I will not control

My efforts to soar seem moot, so I will not use my effort but let the lord use it

I am a simple man, who wants to live a simple life

I want to surround myself with real love, compassion, and watchfulness

I will not attach myself to any man, woman, animal or thing, but I will attach myself to the lord

Lord, I am battle weary, I have fought to many battles and my back is broken

Repair my back, repair my body, give me love and shelter

Lord bring me to your waters, I am battle weary.

QUIT GRAD SCHOOL

So, I have decided to quit grad school and go back to Kenya. I have no idea why I am making this decision. I have no clue whether this is the right decision. But I am not a very pragmatic guy, I tend to go with my heart most of the time, not with my head. And my heart is telling me to pack up and go back to Kenya.

 Now, seeing that I am a person with very low self esteem, timid, shy, quiet, and so on; I do believe that this is the right decision. Because before I go anywhere with my life, I really need to fix these aspects of myself first, before I fix any other aspects of myself. I am more of a heart guy instead of a logic reasoning guy. I hope that I have made the right decision.

I will now move on to starting manifesting the things that I really need to manifest in Kenya, beginning from the righ job, to the right girl, to the right place to live, to the right everything. I hope that God will lead me to where I want to be. I now know that I am alone on this path, but I have always been alone and I am ready to stand alone.

THE LORD

The lord is my strength and my amor,

He is my provider, my shield

He gives me when I ask

He brings me the lessons that I need to learn

He waters my garden and makes the sun shine on my seedlings

The lord provideth for my daily bread

He provides riches

Purify my heart lord, cleanse it, but lead me to the promised land

Be with me my lord, but alas you have never left me

You have always been with me.

BE WITH ME GOD

It is up to you to protect me now God

The world is going to be a tough place for someone like me

You created me this way, now I bring it back to you

You are the only one who can protect me

I have nothing left in the tank

Absolutely nothing, I have struggled to live on my own strenght

But I can’t, I can’t move an inch, nor a mile, I can’t do it God

Yet you made me this way, so it means that you gave me the capacity to deal with it

It means that, I have the capacity to actualize my potential

To grow into someone that you want me to grow into

It is tough though, very tough, protect me.

IS GOD KNOCKING AT MY DOOR

Is the universe knocking, what are my strengths and abilities. Show me the way.

AM I RETARDED

Am I retarded? Is there something about me that makes people feel sympathy and pity and realize that this guy can’t do things. Why do I feel so much resistance from the world, or is the resistance just in me and not in the world.

The things is, I think that I am retarded, or I think that there is something about me that is a little bit off, a little bit away from the norm.  It is tough to start thinking positively when you have all this negative talk about you. I feel that I meet with much more resistance from the world than the normal resistance. I feel it, it is there, like I have to work extra hard just to be the person that I want to be. Or maybe, I am just fighting with myself and  just need to live and let live.

 This is the second time that I am quitting a job, I almost quit college at the halfway stage, but something kept me going. And I have just realized that I had a lot of people rooting for me in college, I had a lot of people watching my back, a lot of people sending a lot of positive energy towards me. I would not have made it if it was not for those people, watching me and prodding me to go on.  I made a lot of mistakes, but I never stopped and I never gave up.

Now, I realize that life is like that, especially for someone like me, I will make a lot of mistakes, but I need to have one chief aim, just one chief aim, not two or three or four, just one chief aim, and never stop until I attain it.

So, since I have discovered that I need a lot of money in my life, I realize that for me, the main chief aim is for me to become a millionaire by the time I am 40 years old. I really need this money, to be able to actualize myself and be the person that I want to be. Everything else, is going to be secondary, because without the money it is just going to be difficult for me, with the money it is also going to be difficult if I let the money rule the person that I am.  I need the money for food clothing and shelter and healthcare. I need the money to hire people to take care of me, do my errands for me and so on, because I am not capable of many things. I need the money, period.

How do I get myself to one million dollars? I have no answer to this question as yet, staying in the university and doing a PHD or masters degree is not going to get me there.  Universities are for people who want to be intellectually enriched, and even though I like intellectual stimulation, I like doing it at my own pace, which is slower than other peoples so, I will put intellectual stimulation at the back banner for now.

Since I do not have an idea of how I am going to directly make one million dollars, I need to think about it and visualize myself, and meditate upon it, and follow my hunches to the T.  At the moment, something is telling me to go home, and I think that is what I should do, and then I will wait for me direction from there. But  know that it can be done, it can be done and it can be done easily.

In a relaxed and easy manner, in a healthy and positive way, for the highest good of all,  I am a millionaire.

A MAN DIVIDED

What is my true nature

What is the fragrance of my flower

How can I possess both the yin and yanng

I am a man divided

When I express a part of me, the other part is repressed

What can I do

I am a man divided

Embrace the duality, float like a stream down a river, sometimes it rashes and sometimes it stops dead

And at other times it has to merge with the sea

So, merge into your beingness like a river, flow with nature, accept your duality, flow with it

Follow your intuition, and the universe will reward you, follow your intuition, and the universe will reward you

Do not follow people, do not follow what people say or do, follow your heart, what do you feel

READING

I need to start reading some good books, such as Toltstoy, Dostoevsky, Rabindranath, Kalidas, Bharuti, Shakespear, Milton, Chekov, Maxim Gorky, Lao Tzu, Chuange Tzu, Lieh Tzu, Gautam Buddha, Bodhidharma, Baso, Lin Chi, Socrates, Heraclitus

AM I AN ENERGY VAMPIRE

I have spent some time thinking about my life and though it has been hard, I have come to a conclusion that I am might be an energy vampire. I suck energy out of people becuase, for some reason I do not have a tremendouse amount of every myself at the moment, both spiritualy, physically, and emotionally. I have realized that this has basically been due to the fact that I have not really lived a happy life, I do not think that I have been really happy, because if I were happy with my life, I would never need to suck the energy of other people. I have somehow never liked to be myself, always thinking that other people were having more fun than me, while other people at the same time would cry to have and lead the life that I have led.

Healing: How am I going to heal myself to the level that I become cheerful and stop hating myself and therefore hating others. I need to accept myself as I am first, that is the first step. I need to accept that I have problems just like any other human being has and that there are some things that are impossible for me to achieve just because it would be useless for me to achieve them anyway. Let other people who want to achieve those things achieve them. So, I need to really accept myself. And therefore, I need to be rooted in reality, see myself the way the universe sees me and not the way I want the universe to see me. I need to get in tune with the universe and stop fighting so darm hard. At any moment I always feel like I am fighting enemies that do not exist. I feel like the whole world is against me or something. I need to love and accept myself period.

 Also, I need to really look within and discover the reasons why I hate myself so much. And I have done some bit of self analysis and I conclude that I was never really accepted and loved the way I needed to be loved by my family. And this is not their fault, because the world is not perfect and sometimes things just happen and we have to recognize and accept it as it is. Because if we do not, we will just end up in a vicious cycle of self hate. Any energy that we give off always comes back to haunt us, so if we hate others, we in turn bring hate back to us. So, I should stop hating, period, stop hating.

So, I should really find out what my limitations and weaknesses are and stop trying to be so damn perfect. Perfection is overrated. I mean why should I spend time and day trying to be perfect, when I can just spend my time and day being human and being myself and the universe is just going to bring everything that I want to me. Right now although I may be exaggerating because my self hate has reached huge levels. This are my weaknesses, and they are very many:

•  I am very lazy, I do not like to make the effort to do things, and this might not be really because of an inherent lack of discipline, but might be due to some genetical and psychological defects. Physically, I am not very strong, which might be a result of XXY syndrome. Being physically weak means that I do not have the energy to do things in the same level as other people do them. Also, I have suspected for a time now that I have ADD, I am not hyperactive, but I am very stubborn and do not like to follow direction. It is very tough for me to focus on one thing, and I tend to forget things very easily. I have done well in school, but I have no idea how I did it. So, there you have it I am a very lazy person. And for some reason I really do not want to change this, I want to be a successull lazy person, because I know that it can be done. Others have done it, I mean if I was brought into this universe, it means that I have the characteristics of succeeding in it without changing the person that I am fundamentally. Some trees take 100 years to mature, while other tress take 2 years. The tree that takes 100 years does not complain and does not change and become the tree that takes 2 years. So, I should find ways to work with my laziness and instead of working against it.

• I hate myself. It has taken me some time to admit that I really hate myself, and I do. I need to take some time to find out my good qualities. And not the qualities such as being nice, kind, because I suspected that due to my self hatred, I was just being nice and kind so that other people can accept me and not being nice and kind because I want to be nice and kind. Basically I am a fake and I should stop being a fake. I should become angry once in a while, stop being to damn nice. Demand from others ofcourse in a civil manner, that they need to treat me in a very kind and sincere way, because that is the way.
•  I mean I have achieved academic recognition, but I do not think that I am that smart. I might be smart, but it takes too much effort to be smart, so I am going to stop trying so hard to be smart and just be whatever I want to be at any given moment. So, there it is I do not want to be smart, I will just concentrate on being.
• I do not possess the qualities that are necessary for one to be able to succeed in the world such as assertiveness, and competitiveness. I understand that this might be caused by the low level testosterone that I produce and my inability to love myself. So, since at the moment I do not have any way really knowing that I have XXY syndrome, I will just concentrate on trying to be assertive. And the world is a very unfair place, because people who notice this weaknesses that I have will try to take adverntage of me, and also, because I know that I have these weaknesses I will always be on the defensive end and always afraid becuase I will think that people want to take advantage of me.

What are my good qualities?

• Intuition: For a long time now, I have suspected that I am a very intuitive person. I know stuff that is very hard for people to pick up, and whenever I do something I know that there is an energy that has made me do it. This is good because I know that whenever I do something in the long run it is always for my own good, because I am moving in tune with the universe and not against it. So, I will continue developing my intuition level.

• I am able to connect with people on a heart to heart level. This ability usually scares people of because they find it weird when they are in my presence. Because when I meet someone, I tend to look at his/her heart first instead of looking at the person from a superficial level And therefore, I always tend to know whether I will be able to connect with an individual on a heart to heart level.
• I like to dance, I remember when I was learning to dance it was very difficult for me to learn. But when I became comfortable in expressing myself, I started getting my own style of dancing. I know that this does not make me a professional, but as an art of self expression, I love to dance.
• I love to write, I love wrriting poetry, I love writing prose. And yes I might not be an expert in this regard, but I know that I have the ability to produce writing that is going to induce a sense of enlightenement in the world
• I love to love, I love loving people. Without love, I cannot survive, and although I am an XXY person, I prefer women, and so I love women. Love is like an aphrodisiac and I want to love.